Signed, Sealed, Delivered.

Dear Lola,

It has been years since you left us. And yet the grief I am feeling hasn't changed. I am still somehow haunted by the scene in the cemetery, the part I had to go through in my life that I dread so much. The part of saying goodbye to somebody close to my heart.

It pains me everytime I remember you. It pains me coz I have regrets. Regrets for not being able to spend more time with you when u were still with us. I had been so absorbed with my studies back then, been so pressured with schoolwork that I almost forgot how to live. But please don't get me wrong. I had a lot in mind back then. I was planning to spend more time with you 'one of those days'. I had been thinking of taking you out somewhere where we can eat just the two of us 'one of those days', have a walk in the park 'one of those days', watch sunset by the boulevard 'one of those days', or go to church together. I wanted you to forget about your health condition. I wanted you to become the same old dynamic lola that I see and admire so much before the hospitalization. But none of those were ever fulfilled. Coz time was what I needed and it was what I never got. It was what my college life has stolen away from me. And now I have been hating and blaming myself. I felt I never made any contribution to make you happy even before your last days.

There are nights when I remember our heart-to-heart talks. And I could still clearly recall how you cried the day you received the letter from the mailman. The letter that came from my university congratulating my Mama & Tatay coz I made it in the Dean's List. Those tears of joy I saw in your eyes, the pride, and the advices you gave that day were so powerful. They warmed my heart so much. It gave me back my senses. It became my challenge.

But unfortunately, you weren't there anymore. You didn't wait till my graduation day. You weren't able to see me go up the stage, receive my diploma, and show my biggest smile as the medal was placed on me. Had you been there, I know you would have cried again. And I would have again felt the same warmth I felt before.

If only I could turn back time. I would have done everything I could to show how much I love you. But all I have now are memories of you. Memories of your sweet smile, your caring voice, and most of all, memories of your unconditional love for all of us.

I miss you so much Lola. I know you are up THERE watching over us. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for everything. I know this letter will reach you THERE. I know it. Coz my heart is telling me so.

I love you with all my heart Lola. Till we meet again.


Love,
Your apo